Another professional perspective on premarital counseling

For many years now (long before blogs), I have been cutting out and keeping interesting articles from newspapers and magazines that I find helpful in my psychological practice. I recently came across one from several years ago that seems particularly relevant to the premarital counseling work I do now.

Father Lou Guntzelman is a Catholic priest of the Archdiocese of Cincinnati who writes a column for a group of local community newspapers. He writes about substantial issues involving not only religion but relationships and marriage. The article I came across is entitled "Change the vows or change the people?" (Community Press, July 30, 2003). In this column, he talks about the common wedding vow of "...'til death do us part" and the high divorce rate that too often nullifies the vow. He notes that couples generally do not have anything close to adequate preparation for marriage. Father Guntzelman writes:

Churches - the site of most weddings-usually offer minimal and mediocre preparatory sessions....What's not offered and insisted upon, are...sessions taught by competent social and psychological experts on relationships.

He then observes, "We leave young couples too much on their own as they approach the life-altering relationship of marriage." While this sentiment is certainly echoed by psychologists and marriage counselors, the awareness is still lagging behind in the wedding industry. Take a look at the popular wedding sites that list vendors in a multitude of categories as you prepare for your wedding. How many of them will help you locate a professional for premarital counseling?

The trend is beginning to change. In future blogs, I'll share more about efforts that other professionals are doing in this area and some of the great successes I've had with here at Smooth Relations Premarital Counseling Center of Cincinnati.

In looking for a solution to the problem of broken wedding vows, Father Guntzelman asks if we should "make the vows weaker or try to transform ourselves for the better?" He obviously believes, as do I, that a greater understanding of ourselves, our partners and the challenging commitment of marriage will make for deeper, lifelong marriages.

Leigh S. Finkel, Ph.D.

Welcome to Smooth Relations Premarital Counseling

Welcome to Smooth Relations - a new blog focusing on some often neglected but essential aspects of marriage preparation. Whether you have just become engaged or are closer to your wedding, you know that wedding planning can be a consuming whirlwind. There is so much to think about and do as you plan your celebration, it's easy to forget that it's really about creating a lifetime relationship.

Many people have heard of premarital counseling as something required by their clergy in order to have a marriage ceremony performed. In many cases, this has been near the bottom of the to-do checklist before the wedding. If it happened at all, it involved one partner dragging the other to a few classes or sessions that were unlikely to involve honest exchange or useful insights.

It is becoming a more recent trend, as our society grudgingly bears the toll of frequent divorce, to recognize the need for some careful marriage preparation. In our challenging economic times, more families are scaling back expenditures on lavish weddings and thinking carefully about what holds the most value for them. Although it clearly needs to be more widely recognized and practiced, there are increasing opportunities for couples to actively learn about what makes successful marriages and to examine their own interactions in relation to these ideals. This blog is offered as an addition to these resources.

My long-term experience as a clinical psychologist with a specialty in marriage preparation (Smooth Relations Premarital Counseling Center of Cincinnati) has provided me with a great deal of material and observations about how couples and families can function at their best and at their worst. It is my hope that this blog can provide a helpful reminder of what is meaningful in the midst of often stressful wedding planning. I look forward to sharing with you.

Leigh S. Finkel, Ph.D.