If you are in the process of planning a wedding, you are likely following the current "trends" - whether they be about style of dress, type of reception or floral bouquets. Since I work with people preparing for marriage, I like to follow these trends as well and have recently observed some interesting themes emerging.
Probably most notable is a scaling back of expenditures due to the current economy. There are lots of articles and advice for how to spend less on each aspect of your wedding. Then there's the "green" trend - how to be mindful of the environment and the "footprint" of your wedding on the earth. Further, I hear more about a more relaxed atmosphere at the wedding - from the joyous, celebratory entrance of the bride and groom that enthralled millions (and made us smile) on YouTube to the less formal, more casual and even downright silly wedding portraits.
Do these trends have anything in common? Are they reflecting some different ideas on the nature of weddings, of marriage and of life in general? I think the answer to these questions is yes and in our difficiult times, there maybe some reasons for optimism.
Prior to the economic downturn, there seemed to be an increasing trend of vast expenditures on weddings and of course among some, there remains a desire to have the most expensive or elaborate designer wedding gown, jewelry, etc. But many of us have been brought back to earth by the tougher times and it has forced us to review our values. We can have a wonderful wedding without going into massive debt; we can pay attention to the environment and feel good about it while enjoying our celebrations; and we can focus on more fully enjoying our present rather than obsess about the perfection in photographs and details.
And as we tune in to these values, we more readily recognize the importance of our relationships with others and the marriage itself. I've noted recently that couples in pre-marital counseling (http://www.smoothrelations.com) seem to be more aware of their values and how their wedding is a reflection of that. I'm also hearing a little less of a singular focus on the wedding and more interest in creating an environment for a satisfying and long-lasting marriage. These are trends I can get excited about.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Engagement over the holidays
Have you just become engaged over the holidays? Congratulations - it's an exciting time! But you're probably already learning that it doesn't take long for the first stresses about wedding planning to appear. As observed by William Doherty, who co-wrote Take Back Your Wedding with his daughter, the pure elation of a new engagement can last for as little as fifteen minutes. As soon as you share the news with family members, the questions begin: When will you have the wedding? Where will it be? How large will it be? Who will pay for it? etc., etc.
And after the initial questions, the differing ideas, opinions and conflicts emerge. You're dealing not only with your family but with your fiance's as well. You've waited a long time to enjoy planning this special event, just the way you envision it, and now you have so many other people to consider. In the coming months, you will share some special moments with these people and will likely become frustrated and aggravated by them. You will get to know a lot more about all of them, for better or worse. You will also learn more about your fiance, your relationship and about yourself.
This is an important time in your life, not only because you are planning a big event, but because it is the start of planning your marriage together. If you use the time well, you can grow in your relationships, ability to handle stress and sense of accomplishment. In my counseling practice over the years, I have witnessed both wonderfully positive and disastrously negative things occur over the course of wedding planning. A few of the stories are outlined on my website, smoothrelations.com. Feel free to add some of your own here so others can benefit. Enjoy your engagement and consider it a great learning opportunity!
And after the initial questions, the differing ideas, opinions and conflicts emerge. You're dealing not only with your family but with your fiance's as well. You've waited a long time to enjoy planning this special event, just the way you envision it, and now you have so many other people to consider. In the coming months, you will share some special moments with these people and will likely become frustrated and aggravated by them. You will get to know a lot more about all of them, for better or worse. You will also learn more about your fiance, your relationship and about yourself.
This is an important time in your life, not only because you are planning a big event, but because it is the start of planning your marriage together. If you use the time well, you can grow in your relationships, ability to handle stress and sense of accomplishment. In my counseling practice over the years, I have witnessed both wonderfully positive and disastrously negative things occur over the course of wedding planning. A few of the stories are outlined on my website, smoothrelations.com. Feel free to add some of your own here so others can benefit. Enjoy your engagement and consider it a great learning opportunity!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Another professional perspective on premarital counseling
For many years now (long before blogs), I have been cutting out and keeping interesting articles from newspapers and magazines that I find helpful in my psychological practice. I recently came across one from several years ago that seems particularly relevant to the premarital counseling work I do now.
Father Lou Guntzelman is a Catholic priest of the Archdiocese of Cincinnati who writes a column for a group of local community newspapers. He writes about substantial issues involving not only religion but relationships and marriage. The article I came across is entitled "Change the vows or change the people?" (Community Press, July 30, 2003). In this column, he talks about the common wedding vow of "...'til death do us part" and the high divorce rate that too often nullifies the vow. He notes that couples generally do not have anything close to adequate preparation for marriage. Father Guntzelman writes:
He then observes, "We leave young couples too much on their own as they approach the life-altering relationship of marriage." While this sentiment is certainly echoed by psychologists and marriage counselors, the awareness is still lagging behind in the wedding industry. Take a look at the popular wedding sites that list vendors in a multitude of categories as you prepare for your wedding. How many of them will help you locate a professional for premarital counseling?
The trend is beginning to change. In future blogs, I'll share more about efforts that other professionals are doing in this area and some of the great successes I've had with here at Smooth Relations Premarital Counseling Center of Cincinnati.
In looking for a solution to the problem of broken wedding vows, Father Guntzelman asks if we should "make the vows weaker or try to transform ourselves for the better?" He obviously believes, as do I, that a greater understanding of ourselves, our partners and the challenging commitment of marriage will make for deeper, lifelong marriages.
Leigh S. Finkel, Ph.D.
Father Lou Guntzelman is a Catholic priest of the Archdiocese of Cincinnati who writes a column for a group of local community newspapers. He writes about substantial issues involving not only religion but relationships and marriage. The article I came across is entitled "Change the vows or change the people?" (Community Press, July 30, 2003). In this column, he talks about the common wedding vow of "...'til death do us part" and the high divorce rate that too often nullifies the vow. He notes that couples generally do not have anything close to adequate preparation for marriage. Father Guntzelman writes:
Churches - the site of most weddings-usually offer minimal and mediocre preparatory sessions....What's not offered and insisted upon, are...sessions taught by competent social and psychological experts on relationships.
He then observes, "We leave young couples too much on their own as they approach the life-altering relationship of marriage." While this sentiment is certainly echoed by psychologists and marriage counselors, the awareness is still lagging behind in the wedding industry. Take a look at the popular wedding sites that list vendors in a multitude of categories as you prepare for your wedding. How many of them will help you locate a professional for premarital counseling?
The trend is beginning to change. In future blogs, I'll share more about efforts that other professionals are doing in this area and some of the great successes I've had with here at Smooth Relations Premarital Counseling Center of Cincinnati.
In looking for a solution to the problem of broken wedding vows, Father Guntzelman asks if we should "make the vows weaker or try to transform ourselves for the better?" He obviously believes, as do I, that a greater understanding of ourselves, our partners and the challenging commitment of marriage will make for deeper, lifelong marriages.
Leigh S. Finkel, Ph.D.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Welcome to Smooth Relations Premarital Counseling
Welcome to Smooth Relations - a new blog focusing on some often neglected but essential aspects of marriage preparation. Whether you have just become engaged or are closer to your wedding, you know that wedding planning can be a consuming whirlwind. There is so much to think about and do as you plan your celebration, it's easy to forget that it's really about creating a lifetime relationship.
Many people have heard of premarital counseling as something required by their clergy in order to have a marriage ceremony performed. In many cases, this has been near the bottom of the to-do checklist before the wedding. If it happened at all, it involved one partner dragging the other to a few classes or sessions that were unlikely to involve honest exchange or useful insights.
It is becoming a more recent trend, as our society grudgingly bears the toll of frequent divorce, to recognize the need for some careful marriage preparation. In our challenging economic times, more families are scaling back expenditures on lavish weddings and thinking carefully about what holds the most value for them. Although it clearly needs to be more widely recognized and practiced, there are increasing opportunities for couples to actively learn about what makes successful marriages and to examine their own interactions in relation to these ideals. This blog is offered as an addition to these resources.
My long-term experience as a clinical psychologist with a specialty in marriage preparation (Smooth Relations Premarital Counseling Center of Cincinnati) has provided me with a great deal of material and observations about how couples and families can function at their best and at their worst. It is my hope that this blog can provide a helpful reminder of what is meaningful in the midst of often stressful wedding planning. I look forward to sharing with you.
Leigh S. Finkel, Ph.D.
Many people have heard of premarital counseling as something required by their clergy in order to have a marriage ceremony performed. In many cases, this has been near the bottom of the to-do checklist before the wedding. If it happened at all, it involved one partner dragging the other to a few classes or sessions that were unlikely to involve honest exchange or useful insights.
It is becoming a more recent trend, as our society grudgingly bears the toll of frequent divorce, to recognize the need for some careful marriage preparation. In our challenging economic times, more families are scaling back expenditures on lavish weddings and thinking carefully about what holds the most value for them. Although it clearly needs to be more widely recognized and practiced, there are increasing opportunities for couples to actively learn about what makes successful marriages and to examine their own interactions in relation to these ideals. This blog is offered as an addition to these resources.
My long-term experience as a clinical psychologist with a specialty in marriage preparation (Smooth Relations Premarital Counseling Center of Cincinnati) has provided me with a great deal of material and observations about how couples and families can function at their best and at their worst. It is my hope that this blog can provide a helpful reminder of what is meaningful in the midst of often stressful wedding planning. I look forward to sharing with you.
Leigh S. Finkel, Ph.D.
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